Stay Gone
by Starsearcher
Summary: Years after her time on Enterprise, Hoshi is visited by a figure of her past, who askes her for another chance. Will she accept?


  
  
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Title: Stay Gone   
Author: Starsearcher   
E-Mail: Starsearcher519hotmail.com   
Rating: PG   
Category: Romance/Angst   
Codes: Tu/S, A   
Summary: Sometimes, things just don't work out.   
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. I own nothing, not even the clothes on my back. Don't sue me! (unless you want my lint collection, which is rather extensive by the way, and quite the find really…I'd be willing to trade for, oh say, 10 bars of gold? No? All right, I'll be generous, 5? But really…I digress….on with the fanfic!   
note: the song I used was Jimmy Wayne's "Stay Gone"

* * *

Hoshi Sato smiled as she walked into her office suite, a mug of tea in one hand and a huge bundle folders in the other.   
  
"Any messages for me, Emily?" she asked her secretary, who was busily typing away.   
  
"Yes, Professor Sato," she replied. "Three came this morning. I put them through to your office."   
  
"Thanks, Em!" Hoshi said, opening the door. "Oh, and I have your revised paper ready for you. I'll leave it on your desk later."   
  
"Thanks, Professor!"   
  
Hoshi gave her a bright smile before she stepped into her office, closing the door behind her. She put the tea and folders down on her desk, sitting back in her chair as she checked her messages on the screen.   
  
The first one was a note from her father, reminding her of her mother's upcoming birthday. Hoshi sighed. She still had to think of a good enough present for her mother.   
  
The second and third messages were video recordings. As Hoshi sipped the hot tea inside her mug, she waited patiently for the video to start.   
  
A familiar face came on the screen, and Hoshi grinned in surprise. Jonathan Archer looked just as youthful as he had almost seven years ago, when they had first started their adventures together on the Enterprise. Now, even with the rank of Admiral under his belt, he still looked every bit as commanding and charming as he had long ago.   
  
"Professor Sato, it's been too long," he began, a twinkle in his eye. "Oh, to hell with formalities. Hoshi, I can't tell you how excited I am that I'm going to be seeing you soon. And yes, before you start thinking up questions, I will be. Seeing as how the seven-year anniversary of the beginning of our trek on Enterprise is coming up, I took the liberty of organizing a little reunion of the crew. The date is in two weeks, on the 19th, and I shall expect to see you at six o'clock sharp at the Starfleet All Star Hotel, main ballroom. Dress is formal, because hell, half the admirals in Starfleet want to be there to see the old crew reunited again. And don't you give me any excuses, Ms. Sato. You're coming, and that's that." He gave her a grin. "Well, that's it for now. Better get those dancing shoes out, Hoshi. It's going to quite a night. I'll talk to you soon."   
  
The message ended, and Hoshi was left with a feeling of uncertainty.   
  
She had missed the Enterprise crew, that she was sure of. She still missed the laughter and adventures they had shared during their five-year journey together. She had lost touch with some of the crewmembers, and she longed to see them all again, just like old times.   
  
But something about revisiting those old memories made her heart sink. The whole crew…that would mean he would be there.   
  
Hoshi mentally kicked herself for even worrying about it.   
  
It had been two years after all. Surely, after two years, he would have moved on. Just like she had.   
  
But had she really?   
  
_I found piece of mind, I'm feeling good again.   
I'm on the other side,   
Back among the living.   
Ain't a cloud in the sky,   
All my tears have been cried,   
And I can finally say_   
  
Hoshi frowned. Now that she thought about it, she realized that it was the first time he had come across her mind in a while. That had to mean something, right?   
  
Enterprise was her past. True, it had been a life altering experience, and the memories would be with her forever, but she had grown up since then. Grown stronger…independent. She didn't need to hold on to those memories desperately anymore, because she had made a new life for herself.   
  
Two years…two whole years without him.   
  
Hoshi was happy with her life now. Truthfully, she was happy. It was something she had not considered possible back then, when the pain had been so fresh, so clear in her mind. But the pain had faded, had eased away, and despite her earlier conviction that she would never open her heart again, she found herself beginning to change. There was a new strength from the pain, a new sense of control. And she liked having that feeling.   
  
She sighed, moving to the last message. It too was a video recording, and she waited patiently as the screen faded from black.   
  
Her heart skipped a beat for a moment as she stared into those bright blue eyes again for the first time in two years.   
  
"Hoshi," Charles Tucker III said quietly, a hesitant smile on his face. "It's been a long time. I know that I'm probably the last person you really want to see at the moment, but I needed to talk to you."   
  
Hoshi held her breath. The logical side of her knew that it was only a recording, but part of her felt as if he was really speaking to her now, those brilliant azure eyes boring into her.   
  
She might have been able to handle seeing him again, in two weeks or so at the reunion, but seeing him now awakened an ache in her heart that she had thought was long gone.   
  
The message continued.   
  
"By now, Jon's probably told you about the reunion coming up in two weeks. I know it would be strange to see each other again there…after, well, you know. So the reason I'm calling is to tell you that I don't want to have our first meeting in ages to be awkward." He smiled at her, and suddenly Hoshi remembered all too well how charming he could really be. That smile was one of the first things she had fallen in love with. She impulsively steadied herself in her chair, taking a deep breath.   
  
"Anyway, I'm in San Francisco already. I got here early for some last minute organization with Jon about this lil event. But that's irrelevant…what I really wanted to say was that I would love to see you sometime, before the reunion? Just to…catch up. We left some things unsaid before, and I…well, I'd like to just talk it out. We haven't talked much these past few years, and I know that it's mostly my fault, what with the various missions and all, but I'd like to see you again. We'll have dinner? Give me a call, ok? Take care."   
  
The message ended, and Hoshi was left feeling uncertain again for the second time in ten minutes. She breathed deeply for a few moments, holding a hand to her chest to steady herself more.   
  
God…what was she going to do?   
  
He wanted to see her again. After two years without any sort of contact, he wanted to have dinner with her.   
  
Hoshi didn't know what to think at all. But unbidden, the tiniest remnant of hope awoke inside of her, the lingering part of her heart that had been unable to let go.   
  
Maybe after two years, she thought, maybe things could work. But hope was something she wouldn't allow herself to feel, especially not about him. Her heart had already died once…she wasn't prepared to let it break again.   
  
_So baby, baby stay,   
Stay right where you are.   
I like it this way,   
It's good for my heart.   
I haven't felt like this,   
In God knows how long.   
I know everything's gonna be okay,   
If you just stay gone.   
_  
He had bought her flowers, beautiful white orchids that he knew she loved.   
  
Despite her firm resolution to keep her hope from rising, Hoshi's heart fluttered at the sight of the bouquet. _What is it about flowers?_ she thought dryly.   
  
He looked good, Hoshi decided. Damn good. His face looked slightly older than before, as if he too had grown up since his days on Enterprise. His eyes still held that youthful glow though, and Hoshi found herself again dazzled by his smile, which in person caused a far greater effect than on the message. He stood as she walked towards the table, handing her the bouquet as he kissed her on the cheek.   
  
Hoshi's cheek felt numb. She shook the momentary happiness away, thanking him for the flowers before sitting down.   
  
They were seated in a quaint little Italian restaurant, with dim lighting and soft piano music in the background. Hoshi wore her short black gown, which was modestly cut but still showed off her smooth, tan legs. The battle she had fought earlier with her mirror and closet seemed worthwhile now, especially since the second choice dress had been a hot little red number. Hoshi mentally patted herself on the back for having some sense left in her.   
  
"You look beautiful," Trip said to her, handing her a menu.   
  
"Thank you," she replied politely, taking the menu from him and immediately burying herself in the choices. Somehow, looking at him was hard.   
  
"How have you been?"   
  
"Fine."   
  
"Still teaching?"   
  
"Yeah."   
  
A long pause followed, and the only sound that could be heard was that of the music playing around them.   
  
"Listen, Hoshi—"   
  
"Trip—"   
  
They both grinned despite themselves as they spoke at the same time. Trip nodded to her. "You first."   
  
Hoshi shook her head. "No, you."   
  
Trip gave a small, nervous laugh.   
  
"All right."   
  
He took a deep breath, putting down his menu.   
  
"I've had a lot of time to think over these past two years…and over and over, the same thought's been comin' back to me."   
  
Hoshi waited. _Please don't let him say what I think he's going to say_, she silently pleaded.   
  
Trip paused, taking another breath. "That thought was of you, Hoshi. Of loving you. Now I know I was a fool to just walk away then without trying to make things right, and I know that it was probably the biggest mistake of my life to leave you for that mission. But I've had to live two years now without you in my life, Hoshi, and it's made me realize that I can't bear another minute living that way. I want...I want us to have another chance…what do you say?"   
  
Hoshi froze. Her heart lifted, then sank again. He was saying it, everything she had dreamt of every day for a month back then, right after he had left. He was saying those words, and he looked as if he meant them.   
  
But strangely, the words didn't mean as much anymore. Not the way she had always envisioned them, at least. There was no sudden revelation, so immediate weakening of the knees, no heart throbbing cry of happiness. No fire, no intense heat.   
  
Instead, she found gentle warmth. Warmth and a sense of…closure?   
  
Was that what she meant?   
  
_I still love you, and I will forever   
We can't hide the truth,   
We know each other better.   
When we try to make it work,   
We both end up hurt.   
And it ain't supposed to be that way._   
  
Hoshi looked at him, his features displaying quite clearly his nervousness and uncertainty. He was waiting for her to reply to him, but somehow, she couldn't find her voice.   
  
_I need time_, she thought to herself. But even as the thought flew through her mind, she found herself casting it aside. Two years had been enough time. Two years of hoping, crying, and then healing, only to find the wound still there in her heart, buried deep through time.   
  
Hoshi looked at him again, her eyes searching his. She didn't really know what she was looking for, but perhaps it was for some sign, some spark that would make up her mind for her. She wanted to find the answers in those eyes, to find that comfort and love she had felt all those years back.   
  
She found love there, and it warmed her heart for a moment, but then she realized that the love she saw was the same kind that had ended their relationship. Passion, heat, and untamed emotion. That was there. And he did love her.   
  
But it just wasn't going to work.   
  
"Trip…" she started, looking down at her hands for a moment. There would be no easy way to say this. Sighing, she decided to just start talking, and mentally prayed that the words would sound right.   
  
"I would be lying if I said I didn't care about you. I was in love with you…I love you now." Trip's face brightened slightly at her words. Hoshi pushed past that, knowing that it would only hurt him more if she gave false hope. "But our love…this relationship…God, all we did was fight, Trip. All we did was hurt each other, even though neither of us wanted that. And now, sitting here with you so long after all of that…I know that I could never want that kind of pain again."   
  
She took a deep breath, knowing that what she was about to say next was the final line.   
  
"I love you, Trip, but we just can't be together."   
  
_So baby, baby stay,   
Stay right where you are.   
I like it this way,   
It's good for my heart.   
I haven't felt like this,   
In God knows how long.   
I know everything's gonna be okay,   
If you just stay gone._   
  
Trip was stunned. Hoshi could see it clearly on his face.   
  
"Trip…I'm happy now. Happy in my life. I moved on…I can't go back to that now."   
  
He was silent for a while, his mind obviously wrapped up with his thoughts. Hoshi gave him time, sipping her water as she waited for a response from him. She had never seen him this quiet.   
  
_When you try to make it work,   
We both end up hurt.   
Love ain't supposed to be that way._   
  
"Are you happy about _this_?" he asked then, gesturing to the two of them. His face was a mixture of so many emotions.   
  
"What?" Hoshi responded, looking confused. "Trip…of course I'm not happy about this. I'm not happy about hurting you…how can you even say that?"   
  
"I don't know, Hoshi!" A brief flash of anger appeared in his eyes, but it was almost instantly replaced by sorrow and confusion. His whole demeanor changed, his shoulders slacking as he looked at her. "I…I…I just don't know."   
  
"Trip…" Hoshi began, her voice softening. Trip closed his eyes, his hands clenched tightly as he stopped her from continuing.   
  
"Hoshi…I don't know anything anymore. I came here wanting you back, because I don't know. You're the only thing in my life that ever made sense, and when I lost that…I didn't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without you in it…I don't know how to make you love me again. I don't even know how to say I'm sorry. I don't know how to handle any of this."   
  
Hoshi looked at him, feeling for the first time in so long as if she truly understood him. She saw the man she had fallen in love with so long ago, the man who had once been willing to do anything for her. His heart was laid bare for her at that moment, and she almost smiled to have been given another chance to know him, to truly know.   
  
But the moment seemed to be over at last. No matter how she wished for things to be the way they were, she knew deep down that they had both changed. It was time to put the past behind them.   
  
"I'm sorry, Trip," she said softly, reaching out and grasping his hand.   
  
_Baby, baby stay,   
Stay right where you are.   
I like it this way,   
It's good for my heart.   
I haven't felt like this,   
No, in God knows how long.   
I know everything's gonna be okay,   
If you just stay gone._   
  
"I never was any good with words, was I?" he said, a sense of sad acceptance in his voice. Hoshi gave him a weak smile.   
  
"No, you were good…they just weren't enough."   
  
She closed her eyes for a moment, sighing deeply. "We changed, Trip…whether we liked it or not. Sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how hard you try…and we did try."   
  
He nodded, taking a deep breath. He stood up, finally, and then he reached out gently and kissed her, his lips lingering on hers for only a moment. Both of them knew what it meant, and they savored the sweet moment, letting it fill their hearts one last time. He swallowed, and Hoshi had never seen his eyes so brilliant.   
  
"Take care of yourself, Hoshi." he said, backing away.   
  
Hoshi reached out again, hugging him tightly to her, her own tears flowing freely. They were no longer tears of pain however, but of freedom, of the relief of having said everything that could be said. In the end, the pain had been worth it.   
  
"Goodbye, Trip." she whispered to him.   
  
Trip gave her one last heartbreaking look before turning away.   
  
_I know everything's gonna be okay,   
If you just stay gone._

* * *


End file.
